What is abuse and who is an abuser - 100% about abusive relationships

An important component of a healthy and trusting relationship is respect for the individual, mutual understanding. Their absence contributes to the manifestation of violence, selfishness, unwillingness to understand a partner.

Abuser is distinguished by bias, inability to resolve interpersonal issues through direct, adequate dialogue with a partner. It is difficult psychologically and physically dangerous to live with such a person.

Terminology

Abuse is the cruel treatment (translated from English) of one person to another, which manifests itself in insults, the desire to completely control the "victim", violation of personal boundaries, violence.

Distinguish between latent manifestation (tyranny alone with a partner) and open (splashing out negative in the presence of other people), as well as combined (often in the later stages).

An abuser is, in simple words, a person who has made a choice in favor of a model of behavior of a despot, manipulator, oppressor.

It assumes: mockery, suppression of desires, ignoring needs and feelings, coercion to perform certain destructive actions, insult, often direct physical violence.

Both men and women can act as an abuser (their approaches are slightly different). Therefore, the pictures in the article will alternate by gender - boy / girl.

Abusive relationships - derogatory relationships in which a person violates the personal boundaries of the victim partner, treats him cruelly, suppresses his will.

4 main stages:

• rising tension;
• active "violence";
• remorse, reconciliation;
• love, "heavenly relationship"

Then everything is repeated, and so on until the "chain" is broken.

12 common signs

The best way to protect yourself from the potential negative consequences of an unhealthy relationship is to recognize the oppressive tendencies of the person in a timely manner and leave. To make things easier, there are 12 signs below.

Regular "hidden" humiliations

At first, there may not be open insults - a victim who is not accustomed to this will be indignant, "off the hook." But jokes, ridicule in a comic form are actively formed.

Words and phrases are heard: "stupid", "stupid", "loser", "terrible", "who else needs you besides me", "you saw yourself in the mirror at all". If a person sees dissatisfaction as an answer, explanations follow like: "this is loving" or "one gets the feeling that you don't understand jokes at all."

Also, insults are often disguised as cute (offensive) nicknames: "piggy", "silly", "grease", "my charming fatty". The victim gradually gets used to it, starting to think that this is the case.

Some similar words / phrases can sound in normal relationships. But they are really pronounced there as a joke, at the right time and in the right place, and most importantly - rarely.

Criticism

It is manifested by constant dissatisfaction, remarks to the partner. Phrases are heard: "you always spoil everything", "you cannot be trusted with anything", "you seem to be a guy, but you behave like a girl", "a girl, but you do not take care of yourself normally."

There are many options for critical statements.

After, often followed by phrases like: "It's good that you have me. This is where you are without me? You will disappear!" Hearing a negative message on a regular basis, sooner or later a person will really begin to believe that he is no one without a "savior" in the person of an abusing partner.

By the way, there is a popular saying - "If a person is told 1000 times that he is a pig, he will grunt 1001 times.

Diminishing Merit

Achievements, successes of the second rugs are not impressive. Everything is written off for luck, merit of others, exaggeration. Attempts are being made to explain success by the influence of third forces or persons.

• Getting Promoted - Not Even 20 Years Later.
• "Early loan repayment" - "Of course, your brother helped you."
• "Prize place in the competition" - "There is nothing to be happy about, not a victory".
• "Invented or invented something" - "Who needs it at all".

Often, receiving comments, the victim ceases to believe in himself, be proud, rejoice, and receive satisfaction from achievements. Significant things and successes begin to seem insignificant, funny, unworthy of mention.

Even a small sincere praise plays an important role, it can motivate you to take action further, reaching new heights. Do not neglect her, if the relationship is normal, remember this.

Control everywhere

The toxic partner tries in every possible way to keep the victim under control, to track every step and deed. Demands to report in detail on movements around the city and meetings are often heard. There are constant calls, SMS.

"Toy" should be on a short leash, without thinking of falling off.It gets to the point of absurdity - her / his friends are calling her / his friends to find out the details of spending time together.

Control is served under the sauce of care and trust. In fact, there is only one goal - to keep a person "in tight hands".

Read: 12 signs of a henpecked man

Using command tone

Initially, manipulators communicate nicely, differ in politeness, courtesy. The complete absence of any negative or alarming signals. However, the idyll lasts until the partner's traits are fully understood.

• "Today you wash your windows!".
• "Get a second job, I don't have enough money."
• "Get your food ready, I'm hungry!"
• "Clean up immediately, look at a mess, or do you think only a girl should clean up?".

The goal is absolute and unquestioning obedience. When pockets of resistance and discontent appear, techniques of manipulation and arousing feelings of guilt begin to be used.

Regular outbursts of anger

Periodic uncontrolled outbursts of anger, moreover, unpredictable and completely incommensurate with the ongoing actions that officially serve as their cause, are a feature of the abuser.

Those who regularly contact such people have a difficult time. There is constant fear and misunderstanding of what action will cause another outburst of anger. Any little thing can cause violent discontent:

• returned from work a little later;
• missed one plate while washing dishes;
• tapped with a spoon while stirring sugar in a glass;
• started a conversation with a friend while cleaning the kitchen.

The main thing is the impossibility of adequate discussion of annoying moments. When pointing out the unfoundedness of anger, denials begin, the situation escalates.

Imaginary "caring for a child"

A frequent occurrence when a manipulator behaves with a victim as with a small child, begins to play the role of an oppressive parent. Indicates: how to dress, whom to be friends with, what to do, how to relax, what to get carried away with. The second party's opinion is ignored.

This is due to concern. In fact, there is no concern, therefore it is imaginary. The goal is to deprive a partner of independence, a sense of confidence, independence, freedom.

Expressions of one's opinion, the desire to act according to one's own views are nipped in the bud. Everything should be just as "HE / SHE" says.

Suggestion of guilt, jealousy for no reason

"Who is this girl? Do you know each other?" - "This is what your loyalty means -", "Who is this in your correspondence?" - "Everything is clear, you change".

There is nothing to oppose the absurdity, since there is no logic in what is happening.

A person begins to feel like a traitor, a traitor. Look for excuses for any look, a smile at a passer-by or a waiter, delays at work, putting on beautiful things, correspondence with a friend / girlfriend.

Phrases are becoming common:

• "Aren't you ashamed?".
• "I ruined my mood.
• "I try so hard and you-".
• "It's all your fault, and I said".

Read: how to 100% understand what a girl doesn't like, but just uses

Insulation

It is not profitable for the "owner" that the "property" has a rear in the form of friends and relatives. They are a threat because they can open the victim's eyes to indicate inappropriate behavior.

The priority of the manipulator is to occupy a position between a partner and his loved ones. All possible measures will be taken to discredit them as soon as possible: ridicule, unfounded criticism.

Attempts are often made to embroil a "close person" with relatives. For example, there is a belief that they do not value, are treated unfairly. All this is done with mockery, offensive words.

Of course, this is just an excuse to exclude the family of a poor kopeck piece or a guy from the life of two.

Ignore

One of the types of emotional abuse. Any "faults" of the partner are subject to punishment by demonstrating detachment, coldness, indifference.

The following actions are taken by the abuser:

• refuses intimacy, manifestation of tenderness;
• stops talking, answering questions;
• completely ignores.

As a result, the victim experiences a rich palette of negative emotions: from slight discomfort to sheer despair. Begins pleas for forgiveness. The result is achieved. It becomes much easier to control the "guilty" person.

Devaluation and manipulation

The victim shares with the manipulator something personal, important, intimate, experiences. In response, he receives phrases like: "and why are you just bothering?", "All this is nonsense." There is a depreciation of feelings, personality.

The victim's persuasion of the inadequacy of the perception of the surrounding reality is required in order to later justify his own negative habits (smoking, alcohol) and bad deeds (betrayal, violence, mockery, etc.) by her ("inadequacy"). p>

Example: "I smoke, so what? It's okay, many people smoke - don't bother."

Devaluation leads to disastrous consequences - a feeling of worthlessness, apathy, depression.

Physical abuse

Physical abuse is one of the most negative manifestations of toxic relationships. Differs in maximum destructive power, has a negative impact on the health of the victim.

Such things are absolutely unacceptable. There is also so-called hidden violence.

This includes:

• shaking the shoulders;
• grabbing hair;
• slaps (not even hard);
• repulsion;
• Throwing potentially harmful objects at a person.

These types of violence are not always perceived as such, but they do not cease to be such. Remember this, respect yourself, your rights, we live in the 21st century, there is only one life, you should not live it with someone who does not value you.

If something from the list is observed on the part of the partner (and even more so a combination of several factors at the same time), this is a clear reason to immediately end the relationship. As practice shows, nothing will change, it will not be better

Read: the main reasons why a man is attracted to a woman like a magnet

5 tips from a psychologist how to act

The consequences of being in a relationship with a despot can be disastrous. To solve the problem, you need to prepare in advance, act consistently and decisively, without a doubt. Below are 5 valuable tips to help you get things done as quickly as possible.

• Get support. It is reasonable to first of all seek help from a competent psychologist. Discuss the situation with him, get practical recommendations regarding behavior specifically in your situation, calm down, morale (this is important).
• Prepare retreat. Going nowhere is a bad idea. It is advisable to save up a small amount of money in advance, rent an apartment. If housing is jointly acquired or victims, you can agree on temporary residence with parents or friends-girlfriends (until the division of property or eviction of the manipulator).

Note: if you lived apart, the task is a hundredfold easier.

• Inform about the adopted decision. It takes a lot of courage from a person to directly declare a decision. Upon learning about leaving, the oppressor is able to dramatically change in behavior, start to threaten (especially a man). It is often much wiser to report the breakup on a call, at a distance.
• Confidentiality. It is important not to advertise any information that could reveal your current location. Ideally, forget about online for a few weeks.